The idea of couples counseling seems pretty straightforward, right? A married couple is having problems, so they go to a therapist to fix them. They sit on either side of a sofa and explain to the marriage counselor what they don’t like about their partner. The counselor listens patiently and then provides sage advice. And voila! They have the answer to their relationship issues, and they walk off, hand in hand, into the sunset to live happily married ever after.
Unfortunately, there are several things wrong with this scenario. Marriage is hard work, and couples therapy requires participation, willingness, and commitment from both partners to achieve optimum results.
Does Couples Counseling Really Work?
Today’s couples therapy looks a little different than it did even 30 years ago. Back then, most marital counseling approaches had less than a 50% success rate. Therapists helped couples improve their friendship and romantic relationship, but the improvements tended to be short-lived.
New approaches to marriage counseling, including Emotion-Focused Therapy, or EFT, and the Gottman Approach, are achieving much better results. EFT, for example, has a 75% success rate. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists reports an overall success rate of 98%. The success of couples therapy and other factors contributes to a decreasing divorce rate in the United States. Today, couples therapy can indeed save and strengthen a marriage.
Your First Step: Find the Right Counselor
The success of couples counseling often depends on finding the right therapist. It's crucial to find someone who makes both partners feel comfortable. Look for a counselor who specializes in couples therapy. Various types of therapists, such as psychologists, psychiatrists, licensed professional counselors (LPC), licensed clinical social workers (LCSW), and licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFT), can provide couples counseling. They are usually well-versed in today’s effective relationship counseling methods. Some therapists also specialize in specific marital issues, such as intimacy problems.
When choosing a marriage counselor, consider other factors like gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, race, religious beliefs, or years of experience. Websites like WithTherapy.com can help you narrow down your options. Asking for recommendations from family, friends, or coworkers can also be beneficial. It's perfectly acceptable to interview a therapist by phone or in person to ensure they’re the best fit for you and your partner.
Your First Session
After selecting a couples counselor, prepare for your first session. Your therapist might provide paperwork or discuss their policies, legalities, and ethics of the therapist/patient relationship. The rest of the session will typically focus on why you sought counseling.
Couples seek therapy for various reasons. Some start with premarital counseling to strengthen their relationship foundations, improve communication, and learn to handle disagreements healthily. Others seek counseling after serious issues like infidelity, growing apart, poor communication, frequent arguments, financial disputes, or sexual problems. Some healthy couples also attend counseling regularly to maintain and improve their relationship.
Getting to Know You
In the initial sessions, your therapist will conduct an intake to understand your reasons for seeking counseling and to get to know you both as individuals and as a couple. They’ll ask about your childhoods, how you met, the early years of your marriage, your family, and other personal areas. This part of the process is necessary to help the therapist assess your relationship and develop an appropriate treatment plan. Recalling your past can also help you put current relationship issues into perspective.
Sharing intimate details with a third party can be uncomfortable initially, but remember that your
a therapist's office is a safe space. You can, and should, be open and honest. Your therapist is there to keep the conversation on track while allowing you to express yourselves freely. As both partners speak, the therapist listens to what is said and observes body language and communication dynamics.
Setting Goals and a Timeline
During the initial sessions, you will also set goals for your therapy. This requires honesty and thoughtfulness. You might want your partner to show more affection, while they might want you to show more empathy. You may need to address resentment and anger from an affair. Whatever your goals, sharing them with your partner and therapist is crucial for achieving them. Keep in mind that your goals may evolve as therapy progresses.
There’s no set number of sessions for couples counseling. You might see improvement after three sessions or continue for months. Therapy is highly personalized, and you should continue as long as you benefit from it.
Individual, Couples, and Family Therapy Sessions
Not all sessions will include both partners. Individual therapy sessions are common, especially
at the beginning. These sessions allow you to share things you might hesitate to discuss in front
of your partner and help you work on personal strengths and weaknesses. If you have children or other family members affected by your relationship issues, family therapy sessions may be included. Tension between parents can affect the whole household, sometimes leading to behavioral or emotional problems in children. Family therapy aims to improve connections and communication among family members, creating a more functional and secure family unit.
What You’ll Learn in Therapy
Couples therapy teaches new skills, from communication techniques to stress management. Even therapists can benefit from couples counseling. Licensed marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson and his wife sought therapy early in their marriage, which helped them rekindle their relationship.
“A professional outlook on our marriage helped us get the spark back,” writes Mr. Ratson in HuffPost. “It assisted us in dealing with our fears, expectations, anger, and passive-aggressive behaviors that arise when the going gets tough.”
Mr. Ratson learned to recognize triggers, replace blame with compassion, and be proactive instead of reactive.
“It is normal for conflicts to arise when two people with different personality traits and mindsets come together,” says Mr. Ratson. “But how you handle those conflicts makes the marriage stronger.”
Types of Couples Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) focuses on emotions as the key to relationship needs, developing emotional awareness, compassion, and acceptance between partners. EFT strengthens the emotional bond and creates a more secure attachment.
The Gottman Method is based on extensive research and emphasizes three elements of a relationship: friendship, conflict management, and shared meaning. This method starts with a thorough assessment to guide the therapy.
Potential Barriers to Success
Despite the high success rate of modern couples therapy, some couples might not improve their relationship. Counseling might reveal that the relationship is irreconcilable, which, though difficult, can be a positive realization. Therapy can still help couples part ways amicably, minimizing the impact on family members.
Another barrier is one partner's unwillingness to attend or participate in therapy. If your partner is reluctant, try to understand their concerns and preferences. Discuss the pros and cons, consider different types of therapists, and suggest looking at therapy websites or reading about couples therapy. Be honest about your belief in therapy as a way to improve your relationship.
Make an Appointment Today
Statistics show that most couples wait an average of six years before seeking therapy. Some hope problems will disappear on their own, while others fear that suggesting counseling admits to a troubled relationship. It's best to seek therapy as soon as you recognize issues or even before, to prevent problems and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
The Therapy Group of NYC offers a range of therapy specialties, including couples counseling. Don’t wait to reach out. Make a teletherapy appointment today and take the first step towards a stronger, healthier relationship.
